Ever noticed that quiet shy girl in your school who would stretch her sweater so she could somehow hide her body that she looked to be ashamed of? She was not always quiet as you could hear her yapping and laughing loud from time to time but somehow when she would meet some people then it would be like she got a new personality all together. She was fun though and kind of tom boyish. But you could trust her with your life in a heartbeat. This is what I think people would speak about me if I accidentally die.

Do you also do this mental exercise of playing your death scene in your mind? Like who will cry and who will pass snide comments? I did that as a child sometimes and googled it to find out that there are a lot of people who do this. Don’t worry I have no intentions of dying so soon not unless that’s what is destined. But I always believed that no matter how good or bad people are in your life, they would never speak ill of you or less of you when you will die, well, like out of respect maybe. But lately, I have been seeing a lot of young lives getting lost in the crowd and to my surprise I hear people saying things they should not be saying. I just pray at that time that the person who died is not around in spirit to listen to any of that. So now, I have stopped playing the mental image of me dying as no matter what I think, some people will speak ill. Can’t help it right?

But I do now think of dying as something that is more sure than any other thing in life. We all and I mean it, we all take life for granted. The value of life only comes in front of us when we are faced with ill health. But that’s the case with almost everything in our lives. Yeah, we miss a good friend when he is not a friend, we miss that relationship we should have valued more when we are no where near that, we miss that talk that we should have had when the chance is gone and yes we only miss or value our health when its not the best.

I chose to write this blog about personal experiences and about somethings I have been meaning to say to a lot of my dear ones. I know I have become that friend who does not talk any more or atleast not initiate any talk anymore. I make plans but never shows up. I also don’t answer many calls. I am sorry for forgetting the birthdays even when I ask it before hand. I am also not really into anything these days that can pull me out of the situation I have dragged myself into. I am taking my time to heal and to feel myself again.

You know, bad health can really suffocate you from within. I have not been keeping well for almost a year now and its tough to face another challenge on top of existing challenge. Now, I know that some would snide and say, “so what?” “whats the big deal?” “people have worse” and I don’t blame any one right now. No one can ease my suffering and no one can understand. Hell, even I can’t understand my self at times. But I do feel fine also and when I do that then I am all over the place- laughing my lungs out. And then there are times when I don’t and that when the ugly version comes out which expects and demands. Its fine that I am by myself in all this as really I am not. All of us have few of these angels around us at all times who just happen to catch hold of us when we utmost need some one. I do have such amazing ones in my life and I love them so much. Thank You.

So far, this quarter sucks and I am choosing to roll with it. Hell, yeah I know I have an awesome tomorrow waiting for me.

Whats the plan?

  • Make a plan – Small actionable plan that will keep the momentum of life going
  • Make small and steady changes – Like try Yoga everyday for 30 days. Maybe for just 2 minutes in the beginning but keeping at it.
  • Take time to heal – Its fine if it takes more than necessary time
  • Learn a new skill/ course – Join something, sooner the better. Changing the scenario really gives a new perspective
  • Talk to someone – Telling someone that you need help is always the best thing to do. But if there is no one who can help then write about it. Writing eases the situation at hand.
  • Take a break – Go somewhere you like to be, Give yourself a quiet day of mindless reading or sleeping. Lets not feel guilty for taking a break.
  • Help others- Sometimes we are all too big in our own heads. So helping those who look really in need eventually helps the whole universe.
  • You can’t help everyone – That’s true and sometimes its important to first pull yourself out of tornado first.

Smile- everything is going to be alright and have FAITH. We are here for a very short time so lets make it count. Why bother about things which will not be with us in 5 years? Why take anyone’s words or actions personally? Why pay attention to mindless gossips? Its too short. Lets just live it.

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