I found what I was searching my whole life
When 16 years old Sheetal was singing her favorite Dido song, “Don’t leave home”, she did not know that this song was changing her. It meant so much to her that she would carry it around like a theme song of her life.
Today I remembered this song out of blue and was surprised how all those emotions came rushing back within seconds. I now know what my 16 years old self was doing when she was singing it from the epiglottis– She was searching.
It was a never ending and continuous search. But for what? Was it for love or affection, for appreciation or acceptance, maybe for friend at certain part of life or romance? Was it for excitement & thrill, a shoulder to cry & a trustworthy companion? This song followed me from late teens to late 20s. It transferred from my trusty Walkman to Sony Ericsson to Nokia to HTC Desire. It went with me in pen drives from Bangalore to Delhi to Hyderabad. It played on many long drives, house parties and sing along bon fires. One thing that morphed was the attached feeling. It went from the desire to find this something special to being desperate in search to feel it being lost after a small success and then finally giving up.
At some point – it stopped playing.
I stopped the search and convinced myself that I don’t deserve it. It’s not for me.
Then life changed. I met someone who became a friend, a companion and a shoulder to cry on.
He stayed even when he could have left. He listened even when I repeated myself over and over again. He was there to subtly push me to achieve more and to stay consistent when things don’t work. He loved me and truly appreciated me. He convinced me that I was loved & desired. He brought excitement and thrill with him. He gave commitment and trust.
He gave me romantic walks, fun walks, a random race walk. He held my hand and was there when I needed a warm comfort of a hand. He cracked up on my silly jokes and got worried on my emotional falls. He pushed me just the right amount and offered support for just the right amount. He accepted my shortcomings and over promoted the good stuff. He stayed and I know is here to stay.
When I heard this song again today and he was sitting right in front of me doing his work, I realized what I was searching for all those years.
It was my home.
I was searching for my Home and I found it in Him.
I love you my husband and I can’t wait to really live this life day after day with you. This is the dream and I am staying in it forever with you.