I have been thinking. Do we all feel grateful for good health when we have it? Or, when things go wrong, that’s when we get laser focus on in that area. It is mostly true for me. How about you?
For me right now, is my health and it has been a point of heartache for me for years now. Much to my surprise, even then I have not taken any deliberate actions to control this part of my life. Three years ago, I got diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and I am still learning. Now, I do take utmost care of my blood sugar, diet, and activity but if you know about Type 1 then you know that it has a mind of its own. I should do something about this.
Then last year during Thanksgiving, I ran a legendary 5k which gave me disc herniation. I have been in an enormous amount of pain for months and then took physical therapy for 3 months which started giving me some relief. I continued with my daily stretches but on good days, I forget how bad the pain used to be and sit for longer than usual on my desk or walk lesser than usual during the day. This all caught up to me a few days ago. Today, the pain was excruciating. So much so that I tripped into a black hole of self-loathing where I was honestly asking answers from God that ‘do I even deserve this life?’.
It may all seem melodramatic. It surely does to me even when I am sitting here dealing with pain in my lower back which goes to the thumb of my toe. Even then, I know that I can handle this. I somehow know that life is good and I have the strength to deal with this. There is something I can do right now. I can start recording the aspects of my health every day so that when I am feeling this depressed I can go back and see how many actual days were really bad. And hey, if there were worse than good days then I will look for some different kinds of cures for my health. There is always some solution.
I am also proud of myself. I am handling all this every day and still trying my best to be part of the life with my husband, family, and friends. I am writing even when both my bum hurts like they are broken. The newsletter I wrote yesterday when I am in tears due to pain – Sunday Dil Se – from the heart. I always pull myself out of that dark hole and sat down to write. I went for walk even when it was just outside my apartment and was for 15 minutes, I did that. I made a salad for lunch when all I really wanted were some cookies and tea. So yeah, I am not beating myself down all that much. I am just tired.
But you know what I really want? I want a day off from dealing with my diabetes so I can handle my pain by eating some tasty carb-loaded cookies, tea, and maybe a good burger. That is all I want. I want some form of comfort!