Mr Hanson recently told me that I often get into a comparisonitus mode and it makes me sad and depressed for a while. My instinctive reaction to that was to blame my folks as this has been instilled in me from the time I was a child when I was compared with all the other kids in our circle of friends by our parents. Hence , comparing our lives with that of others comes naturally to me and even though the logical part of me knows better, the more in-depth part knows only to measure success with that of others.

But today I realized that maybe it’s not all what my parents and society did to me. This I felt after considering the fact that I hate to come second to someone else. Like when I am trekking, I always aim to walk ahead of everyone else and many times people have pointed out to me that this is not how I should walk on trek but I can’t walk behind so lets face it- I am that person on a trek who exerts maximum strength to be at the top first.

This act is not limited to mountains I am afraid and in life when I see others moving ahead of me,  I feel restless and way too depressed at my failure. The funny part is that maybe on trek I end up walking ahead of everyone else but in life, I am way behind the things I should have had.

But who sold this to me that I should have certain number of things to say that I am happy? Unfortunately, I don’t remember but I am very sure it was someone from my large circle of family and school teachers. But whoever it was, I am sold to this idea of having certain things in my life which are not connected with the life path I am on and hence it pinches me at all times. Like I always would discuss with one of my closest friends in college about my “dream” home in Mumbai one day. This flat was on a 7-8 floor and the best part of this flat was that it has one whole wall as a window which would become my favorite spot to spend my evenings and guess what? The same friend now lives in a flat just like this in Mumbai. weird?

There are many such things like a lot of my friends getting promoted, travelling overseas , getting married, having kids, buying diamonds and cars and I am just no where close to any of this. So, I ask myself that where did I fail? What did I do wrong?

It all boils down to being at the right place at right time and I have no other way to address my failure than getting sad over it. I am sorry Mr Hanson, I am like this but I also know that what I have is what I actually pursued as maybe to have that house in Mumbai, I had to take a step to relocate to Mumbai at a point in my life when I just could not have relocated and getting married with kids would make me one in the list but a miserable list as I was not ready for that. And so on.

So maybe I am where I am supposed to be. Free thinker, creator, wanderer and  a lover.

4 Responses

  1. I guess everything boils down to what matters the most… Like the “list” u r talking about….Is it really how u measure urself…. Keep writing sheetal…. Good luck

  2. You are in right place Dear sister. May be you dont trust your self, or may be you cant look at it. But you are in different timezone from theirs. Now when you are up to live for your dreams they would be wandering looking for you. I am sure they will soon find their way to you.

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