Why should I matter?
Who am I to want special attention from people? What have I done worthy in my life to get it and why should anyone care? Frankly speaking, I have no clue. I ask myself that have I ever been super awesome with people and that they should care about me? If anything, I am super good at burning bridges till almost nothing is left rather than some fainted smoke. Then how dare I dream of being of importance to people around me? Maybe what happened was that I suffered from a delusion and decided that I am a queen and I deserve to be treated awesome like all those self help books teach you to live life with respect and no self loathing. It famously says that if you treat yourself awesome then that’s how the world treats you. To be honest, I have not completely understood this phrase. I mean, I treat myself like I should. I do not have a ritual of giving myself self praises looking at mirror in the morning but I tell myself” it’s fine ” when things go wrong and I feel that’s treating myself well. BUT, what should I do when I do not get what I expect and why should I expect? For some reason, on my 33rd birthday, which was yesterday I was asking these questions sitting alone at a McDonald’s while my friends were waiting for the planned surprise birthday dinner and what was I doing, I was ducking there because I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t fake it anymore.
I needed answers and I needed to feel like I matter to me and why this day has become so important to me.
You always have that one friend who shows off her recently acquired treasures and also a few other friends who post many crazy party pictures. Now, you might be the most loved person in the world but you have this internal dialogue running in your head right before the big day “it wouldn’t hurt to be little spoiled by people, how would I feel if I would be treated like that” and that’s when the internalizing process starts. Finally, the day comes and goes. You do things and you forget about the stupid princess dream of yours as what happens turns out to be just right. You might as well get some pictures to post on Facebook to keep the ritual alive.
But what if everything turns upside down that day and your internal tarnished ego is hurt then what happens? Imagine all of your friends get busy with life and shit starts to roll downhill then what?
Talking about me:
To be honest, I have never really been short of love in my life and I mean “real love” as the people I have in my life are going to stay and have stayed for decades. These are the people who are not waiting for an opportunity to steal the thunder, gain brownie points: basically honest and good people. I am really proud of these people in my life but its impossible to get everyone on your time when all are on different time zones, lifestyles and responsibilities. At times, even though everyone cares and loves you, the circumstances plays against you and one after another things start to fail then what?
Well while sitting in McDonald, drinking my Coco-cola with Ice cream, I started to analyze my own sadness and the reason behind it. The thing is that when you suddenly turn 33 and are questioned about your achievement by someone not that nice then no matter what you have achieved, you start to have a crisis in mind. I believe its normal to say that you feel you have pushed the wagon in wrong direction all this while. It could have been better if you would have stick to the known process but here you are, forced to defend your decisions at 33. And what ticks the whole deal even badly is that no body you love is around. Bad bad bad timing if you ask me.
I wonder, what would have happened if I was spoiled for choices and nice things by friends and family? Well, nothing really except for giving you some strength to stand upright. But then you would still have to walk the path you chose for yourself. The friend can accompany a while and smooth out the pain by giving you comfort but can never walk it for you so why trouble them?
Its a new ritual:
Sitting there I decided to call it my last birthday ever. I do not need a day to feel blessed. I do not need a day to remind my friends to buy me presents. I certainly do not need a day when they add my name in their calendar to call me as if they wont then I might get upset. I mean, I was just born that day and lets face it, I am not Nelson Mandela or Mahatma Gandhi where people would celebrate the day I was born on. I am just me, a simple person with humongous dreams. Yeah I need my loved ones, more than ever but not at the cost of making them suffer to bring joy to my life. I am joyful at any moment when they call me and take me out for a coffee. I am more than ever grateful for love and affection I receive everyday and I really should not spoil what I have for what I did not have. Its silly and I am surprised that it took me such long time to figure that out.
My day did turn around
Well, my thoughts had to be broken down when my friends pulled over near me and here I was after 30 minutes, laughing my guts out. See, its that simple. The moment I stopped thinking and expecting, I was with my real self. And frankly I felt more and more in tuned with the person I am and more and more blessed with the thought of people I have in my life.
It has always been a well thought out decision to keep only the nice people in my life, people who really love me and here I was sitting in awe of life and releasing the bad emotions I had been feeling for the whole day into the sky and calling it a new ME.